sister of a soldier

i remember the day that my mom told me i was going to be a big sister.  i vividly recall jumping up and down & laughing so hard that huge alligator tears ran down my cheeks.  and i remember the day i got to see him for the very first time.  dang was he cute!  my grandmother drove me to the hospital and i wore my "proud big sister" tee shirt.

being 6 1/2 years apart made it easy for us to bicker.  he would break in my room, read my diary, embarrass me in front of my friends.....ugh, little brothers.  there were plenty of years where we had little to nothing in common with the exception of genetics.

but regardless of distance, age or general sibling rivalry, there has never been a day that i wasn't proud to call him my brother.

after high school, when he told our family that he wanted to join the army it was a bit of a shock.  you see, my brother has never been one to obey authority - he gets that part from me.

we are proud military family.  my grandfather, my uncle, my father.  and now my brother.

here we are,  eight years later.

the first time he was deployed i can remember the fear.  the terror.  the dread.  ignorance is bliss?  oh contrar.  i say ignorance is torture.  not knowing where he is, how he is, or what he's doing.  for 13 months.  this was before social media was so huge.

before he left he made me promise not to watch the news the entire time he was gone.  i obliged and haven't watched it since.  i sent girl scout cookies instead.  lots and lots of girl scout cookies.

the second time he was deployed i was fearful but stoic.  not my first rodeo, i said.  i learned how to handle it from the first time he was gone.  i have a son (this was before my bug came along).  i couldn't walk around depressed for a year.  what sense would that make for my baby?  plus, my brother would kick my ass.  so i found a way to keep going and remain positive.  it worked.

now here we are.  the third deployment.

yesterday he called to tell me that they finally got their flight information.  i know when they're leaving.  but that's about it.  he said they wouldn't know details of their address or location until they got there.  forget carmen sandiego....where in the world is my baby brother??

*good luck getting that song out of your head*

before we hung up he talked to my 9 year old son for a minute.  we spoke once more before saying goodbye.  he said he'll do his best to try and call us again before he leaves.  i believe him.  but as with anything else in military life - there are no guarantees.

it's a bizarre feeling to end a call with someone you love so much not knowing when you'll hear the sound of his voice again.

we hung up the phone.  i was driving.  then i was driving and crying.  like the band, but not quite as rockstar.

so for the next few days i'm sure i'll cry some more.  randomly and seemingly without prompting.  i get some time to be human.  to be afraid.  to be sad.   and then i will hold my head up.  i will wipe my tears.  and i will pray each and every single day - repeatedly - for a safe return.

period.

i will accept nothing else as our fate.

while the length of his deployment is uncertain, i'll tell you what isn't:  my respect, pride, love and admiration for my brother.

i love you, bubby.  you and all of your boys and girls come home safe and soon.  but while you're there, kick ass.  i am SOOO incredibly, whole heartedly, proud to call you my brother.

i love my brother.  i love my country.  and i love our military.  

hooah!